Victoria Police Discrepancy in actual Reporting Family Violence

A copy of a Domestic Violence Survivors Victoria Police report & actually what happen. The discrepancies are outstanding. This is 2012.

LEAP ENTRY:

REPORT BY M/36918 SSKUNI (have no idea what that means but i took notes of every leap entry and i am aware you can check the authenticity of information your end).Reporting member 36918 Const Govic sskuni st kilda uniform committed between hours 2330 02/03/2012 and 2350 hours FRI

there is a remark FAMILY VIOLENCE – (deleted comment)

In regards to (deleted), that is where I was born. I have never been involved in any criminal activity or I dont even know where (deleted) street is. So I do not know what relevance this is. I will be contacting my mother (who still resides there) to ask where wills street is.

anyway back to report…

THE RESPONDENT AND AFFECTED FAMILY MEMBER HAVE BEEN IN A RELATIONSHIP FOR APPROX 10 YEARS AND HAVE TWO CHILDREN TOGETHER. ONE MALE AGED 7 AND ONE FEMALE AGED 6. RELATIONSHIP HAS BEEN STRAINED SINCE CHRISTMAS 2011, (note, in western australia I recieved a black eye and a fractured hand at christmas 2011 it is in mypolice report dated 25.09.2012). THE AFM HAS APPROACHED THE RSP IN THE LOUNGE ROOM AND BEGAN A VERBAL ARGUMENT WANTING TO KNOW TO THE STATUS OF THEIR RELATIONSHIP. AFM WAS MODERATELY AFFECTED BY ALCOHOL. BOTH PARTIES HAVE BEGUN TO ARGUE AT THIS POINT. NO VIOLENCE OR THREATS OF VIOLENCE MADE BY EITHER PARTY. BOTH PARTIES HAVE THEN CONTACTED POLICE. POLICE ATTENDED AND RSP HAS AGREED TO LEAVE THE HOUSE FOR THE NIGHT AND STAY WITH FAMILY. BOTH CHILDREN WERE ASLEEP AND DID NOT WITNESS THE INCIDENT. POLICE HAVE NIL SAFTEY CONCERNS AND INFORMAL REFERRALS MADE ON THIS OCCASSION.

END OF REPORT

Ok, this is what actually happened. He was yelling all day, he was in a filthy mood, I was avoiding him. Eventually he punched me in the face and threatened to kill me and the children. I rang a support person, who is 80 years old,(might i add her grandaughter is a police officer detective i think and can vouch for her grandmothers religious and sound mind, and tells the truth. She provided an affidavit of the facts to police, as well as witnessed the polices involvement.) and informed her he had hit me and threatened to kill me. She told me to get the children away from him and me, and ring the police immediately. She got out of bed and came to my home immediately. She witnessed all the police involvement that night.

So I get the children into the front bedroom, barracked the door with furniture, he was on the other side of door screaming and carrying on and I rang police

the 000 call states (i am sobbing in the background and you can hear the children crying) That I am barracked in my bedroom that I had been punched in the face, that he was threatening to kill me etc. They kept me on the line until police arrived. Six police might i add.

I had not been drinking, I had taken panadol forte for the pain. My face was swollen, and I ended up losing a tooth. I already had bruises on my upper arms from other injuries earlier that week, and my hand was swollen due to another injury about six days earlier. The children were upset and clinging to me, and I got them into my bed to sleep. When my friend turned up she did all the negotiation with the police, knew about all the history of violence, and made them remove him from the house. That simple. She also was aware that the children had seen everything, and she encouraged me to stay in one room with the children and keep them carm rather than seeing the police officers etc.

Descrepancy? I think so. That is a safety notice 100%. He broke back into the house the next day and assualted me again. I fled with children to my friends house (same person as above).

Signs of being in a Psychological Abusive Relationship

Is it possible that you are being abused and not even know it? Abuse is not always as obvious as being hit or shoved, called degrading names or cussed out. In fact, it can very well be underhanded or subtle. You may find yourself feeling confused about the relationship, off balance or like you are “walking on eggshells” all the time. This is the kind of abuse that often sneaks up on you as you become more entrenched in the relationship. I am talking here about psychological abuse, which is also known as mental or emotional abuse.

Psychological abuse occurs when a person in the relationship tries to control information available to another person with intent to manipulate that person’s sense of reality or their view of what is acceptable and not acceptable. Psychological abuse often contains strong emotionally manipulative content and threats designed to force the victim to comply with the abuser’s wishes.  All abuse takes a severe toll on self-esteem. The abused person starts feeling helpless and possibly even hopeless. In addition, most mental abusers are adept at convincing the victim that the abuse is his/her fault. Somehow, the victim is responsible for what happened.

A more sophisticated form of psychological abuse is often referred to as “gaslighting.” This happens when false information is presented with the intent of making victims doubt their own memory, perception, and sanity. Examples may range simply from the abuser denying that previous abusive incidents ever occurred to staging bizarre events with the intention of confusing the victim. I listened to a client tell me that her husband denied an affair after his she found a racy email to another woman on his computer and confronted him. The husband vehemently denied this and when so far as to send an email to his tech guy asking how his account could have been hacked and to fix the problem!

A common form of emotional abuse is “I love you, but…” That may sound nice at first, yet it is both a disguised criticism and a threat. It indicates, “I love you now, but if you don’t stop this or that, my love will be taken away.” It is a constant jab that slowly strips away your self-esteem. Abusers get a lot of reinforcement out of using the word “love” as it seems to become a magic word to control you.  

Abusers at times do what I call “throw you a bone.” I have heard countless times from clients that their partner was “nice,” “complimentary,” “gave me a gift,” etc. as if it should erase all of the bad treatment. You need to understand that this is part of the dynamic and cycle of abuse. In fact, it is rare for abusive relationships to not have these (often intense) moments of  feeling good, overly sincere apologies or attempts to make up for the bad behavior. The victim clings to hope when these moments occur and the abuser knows this. 

Psychological abuse can look like:

1. Humiliating or embarrassing you
2. Constant put-downs
3. Hypercriticism
4. Refusing to communicate
5. Ignoring or excluding you
6. Extramarital affairs
7. Provocative behavior with opposite sex
8. Use of sarcasm and unpleasant tone of voice
9. Unreasonable jealousy
10. Extreme moodiness
11. Mean jokes or constantly making fun of you
12. Saying “I love you but…”
13. Saying things like “If you don’t _____, I will_____”
14. Domination and control
15. Withdrawal of affection
16. Guilt trips
17. Making everything your fault
18. Isolating you from friends and family
19. Using money to control
20. Constant calling or texting when you are not with him/her
21. Threatening to commit suicide if you leave

It is important to remember is that it is absolutely not your fault. Abusers are expert manipulators with a knack for getting you to believe that the way you are being treated is your fault. These people know that everyone has insecurities, and they use those insecurities against you. Abusers can convince you that you do not deserve better treatment or that they are treating you this way to “help” you. Some abusers even act quite charming and nice in public so that others have a good impression of them. In private is a different story, which is also quite baffling.

If you see yourself in these words, know that there is little hope for your relationship to improve. It would take a monumental amount of insight and motivation for the abuser to change and unfortunately, this is rarely the case. If you are in an abusive relationship, I urge you to get out and with professional help if needed. Often the first step in leaving the abuser is obtaining counseling just to rebuild your esteem so that you can leave. I particularly want you to know that you may “love” this person, but that they do not “love” you or respect you. I assure you that in time you will get over this person if you break it off. You will be making the right decision…no looking back.

Emotional Abuse Does not show Scars

Psychological abuse, also referred to as emotional abuse or mentalabuse, is a form of abuse characterized by a person subjecting or exposing another to behavior that may result in psychological trauma, including anxiety, chronic depression, or post-traumatic stress disorder.

Emotional abuse is just one form of abuse that people can experience in a relationship. Though emotional abuse doesn’t leave physical scars, it can have a huge impact on your confidence and self-esteem. There are a couple of different types of emotional abuse and it might not be noticeable at first. However, if you are being emotionally abused there are a number of things you can do to get support.

Emotional abuse is elusive. Unlike physical abuse, the people doing it and receiving it may not even know it’s happening.

It can be more harmful than physical abusebecause it can undermine what we think about ourselves. It can cripple all we are meant to be as we allow something untrue to define us. Emotional abuse can happen between parent and child, husband and wife, among relatives and between friends.

The abuser projects their words, attitudes or actions onto an unsuspecting victim usually because they themselves have not dealt with childhood wounds that are now causing them to harm others.

In the following areas, ask these questions to see if you are abusing or being abused:

1. Humiliation, degradation, discounting, negating. judging, criticizing:
   • Does anyone make fun of you or put you down in front of others?
   • Do they tease you, use sarcasm as a way to put you down or degrade you?
   • When you complain do they say that “it was just a joke” and that you are too sensitive?
   • Do they tell you that your opinion or feelings are “wrong?”
   • Does anyone regularly ridicule, dismiss, disregard your opinions, thoughts, suggestions, and feelings?
2. Domination, control, and shame:
   • Do you feel that the person treats you like a child?
   • Do they constantly correct or chastise you because your behavior is “inappropriate?”
   • Do you feel you must “get permission” before going somewhere or before making even small decisions?
   • Do they control your spending?
   • Do they treat you as though you are inferior to them?
   • Do they make you feel as though they are always right?
   • Do they remind you of your shortcomings?
   • Do they belittle your accomplishments, your aspirations, your plans or even who you are?
   • Do they give disapproving, dismissive, contemptuous, or condescending looks, comments, and behavior?
3. Accusing and blaming, trivial and unreasonable demands or expectations, denies own shortcomings:
   • Do they accuse you of something contrived in their own minds when you know it isn’t true?
   • Are they unable to laugh at themselves?
   • Are they extremely sensitive when it comes to others making fun of them or making any kind of comment that seems to show a lack of respect?
   • Do they have trouble apologizing?
   • Do they make excuses for their behavior or tend to blame others or circumstances for their mistakes?
   • Do they call you names or label you?
   • Do they blame you for their problems or unhappiness?
   • Do they continually have “boundary violations” and disrespect your valid requests?
4. Emotional distancing and the “silent treatment,” isolation, emotional abandonment or neglect:
   • Do they use pouting, withdrawal or withholding attention or affection?
   • Do they not want to meet the basic needs or use neglect or abandonment as punishment?
   • Do they play the victim to deflect blame onto you instead of taking responsibility for their actions and attitudes?
   • Do they not notice or care how you feel?
   • Do they not show empathy or ask questions to gather information?
5. Codependence and enmeshment:
   • Does anyone treat you not as a separate person but instead as an extension of themselves?
   • Do they not protect your personal boundaries and share information that you have not approved?
   • Do they disrespect your requests and do what they think is best for you?
   • Do they require continual contact and haven’t developed a healthy support network among their own peers?

United Nations has Grave Concerns of Childrens Human Rights being Breached in Australia

“Every child has the right to live free from violence, but the confronting reality for many children in Australia is that domestic and family violence is a very real part of their everyday lives,” Commissioner Mitchell said.

“This roundtable seeks to better understand the experiences of children exposed to such violence, and to ensure the voices of children are an explicit focus in our broader national conversation about domestic and family violence.”

Prevalence estimates from the 2012 Personal Safety Survey by the Australian Bureau of Statistics also show that children’s exposure to family and domestic violence is widespread in Australia and is predominantly associated with violence against women. According to 2012 estimates, 17% of women and 5% of men in Australia over 15 years had experienced violence by a partner. Much of the violence was seen or heard by children in their care.

“Children and young people have directly raised with me the importance of living free from domestic and family violence,” Commissioner Mitchell said.

“We need to listen to their voices, learn from their experiences and develop the right prevention and reporting measures to keep all children safe.”

The United Nations Committee on the Rights of the Child has previously expressed grave concerns about the exposure of Australian children to family and domestic violence.

“The right of every child to live free from all forms of violence is one of the fundamental principles of the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child,” Commissioner Mitchell said.

“The Convention also requires the protection of children who are exposed to and witness family and domestic violence.

“We as a nation need to do far more to ensure we are meeting our international obligations and are, most importantly, protecting our kids from being subject to violence.”

While there is no national data on the proportion of child protection notifications that relate to family and domestic violence, it is estimated that family and domestic violence is present in 55% of physical abuses and 40% of sexual abuses against children.

The Australian Institute of Health and Welfare has reported during 2013–2014 there were 40,844 substantiated child protection notifications in Australia, with 40% for emotional abuse, 19% for physical abuse and 14% for sexual abuse.

As part of the national consultation, submissions have also been sought from children’s rights experts and community organisations. Findings of the roundtable and national consultation will be the subject of the Children’s Rights Report 2015. 

If you need support, contact Kids Helpline on 1800 55 1800 or www.kidshelp.com.au

this pubilication was from the Human Right Coimmission May 2015 Publication

Domestic Family Violence can affect Children in many ways

How does domestic and family violence affect children?

Understanding the trauma that domestic and family violence can cause is an important step in supporting children who are affected.

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This page contains:

1. Domestic and family violence can affect children in many ways
2. The impacts of domestic and family violence are complex
3. Helping children recover
4. Further Reading

When children live with domestic and family violence, they are experiencing trauma. It can be trauma that is ongoing and long-lasting. Domestic and family violence can have impacts on health, development and wellbeing. The effects build up over time, and can impact on every aspect of their life.

Domestic and family violence can affect children in many ways

Children are affected if they:

• Witness the violence against their mother or carer, or see their fear
• Hear it in another room, or have to hide or run from abuse
• Have to tippy-toe around an abuser to try to prevent outbursts
• Have to comfort, clean up or take additional responsibilities for siblings/carers following violence
• Are victimised for supporting their mother or carer
• Are encouraged to join in with verbal abuse or contempt for their mother or carer
• Cannot be cared for properly as the abuse is either directly preventing it, or is causing poor mental health and exhaustion for the carer 
• Experience disrupted attachment with their mother or primary carer as infants, or the normal co-regulation of emotions between a mother and infant is disrupted
• Are abused themselves. People who abuse their partners or ex-partners often abuse their children as well
• Have an acquired brain injury from physical abuse
• Are forced to have ongoing contact with someone of whom they are scared or whose presence is a ‘trauma trigger’, following previous incidents where the children have been traumatised

The impacts of domestic and family violence are complex

When children experience domestic and family violence, it can affect their:

• Behaviours – they can act out, over-react, be hostile, impulsive, aggressive or defiant. They can also withdraw or dissociate or run away. All these behaviours can be normal to children who have been traumatised by family or domestic violence, and do not mean the children have ‘disorders’. Drug and alcohol use can be a problem with older children.
• Development – normal development can be impaired. They can look like they are regressing or acting younger than their age. This can be a subconscious way of trying to get to a state where they are safe and secure. It can also be a result of the harm to the brain’s development caused by exposure to trauma.
• Relationships – they may avoid closeness and push people away. Children may also attach to peers or adults who may be unsafe for them, to try to develop an alternative secure base, if home feels insecure.
• Emotions – children often feel fearful, stressed, depressed, angry, anxious or ashamed. Emotional security is the foundation of healthy relationships later in life. This security can be damaged if attachment between the mother/carer and baby is disrupted by domestic violence. 
• Learning – they may not be able to concentrate at school because they are constantly on the lookout for danger. This can be subconscious. Detentions, missed school and frequent changes of schools can also affect learning.
• Cognitions – children may have low self-esteem, and think negatively about themselves or people around them. (For example, they may think, ‘everyone hates me’.)
• Physical health – a range of illnesses may be related to domestic and family violence. Headaches, stomach aches, stress reactions (for example rashes or immune system related illnesses) and sleep disturbances (for example nightmares, insomnia or bedwetting) are common.

Helping children recover

How quickly and completely children recover from the effects of domestic and family violence depends on whether:

• They can be kept safe from violence and from reminders of previous trauma – known as ‘trauma triggers’
• They are supported and comforted within a ‘protective cocoon’ of care after they experience trauma
• The schools and childcare centres they attend provide an understanding and supportive environment to help with healing and recovery
• They can have security, safety and care in their everyday lives
• They have access to specialised trauma-informed therapies or help, if they need them
• They can rebuild a safe and secure attachment with their mother or a protective carer, if they have been exposed to violence in their early years
• Other disadvantages impact on the child’s life, such as poverty, isolation or school bullying

Recovery can also depend on individual personalities and strengths.

this article has been published from https://www.1800respect.org.au

KIDS ARE SUFFERING IN SILENCE Family Violence HIDDEN HURT

IMPACT OF family DOMESTIC VIOLENCE ON CHILDREN AND YOUNG PEOPLE

Children who live in homes where there is domestic violence grow up in an environment that is unpredictable, filled with tension and anxiety and dominated by fear. This can lead to significant emotional and psychological trauma, similar to that experienced by children who are victims of child abuse. Instead of growing up in an emotionally and physically safe, secure, nurturing and predictable environment, these children are forced to worry about the future;  they try to predict when it might happen next and try to protect themselves and their siblings. Often getting through each day is the main objective so there is little time left for fun, relaxation or planning for the future.  

 

Emotional and psychological trauma

Children living with domestic violence suffer emotional and psychological trauma from the impact of living in a household that is dominated by tension and fear. These children will see their mother threatened, demeaned or physically or sexually assaulted. They will overhear conflict and violence and see the aftermath of the violence such as their mother’s injuries and her traumatic response to the violence.  Children also may be used and manipulated by the abuser to hurt their mother.

 

A report undertaken by the Queensland Domestic Violence Taskforce 1988 stated that 90 per cent of children present in violent homes had witnessed the violence perpetrated against their mother. In research undertaken by the Australian Institute of Criminology 15 per cent of young people surveyed had experienced domestic violence and 32 per cent of young people knew someone who had experienced domestic violence (National Research on Young People’s Attitudes and Experiences of Domestic Violence 2000).  Children witnessing the violence inflicted on their mothers often evidence behavioural, somatic or emotional problems similar to those experienced by physically abused children (Jaffe, Wolfe, and Wilson 1990). 

 

Risk of physical injury

Children may be caught in the middle of an assault by accident or because the abuser intends it.  Infants can be injured if being held by their mothers when the abuser strikes out. Children may be hurt if struck by a weapon or a thrown object and older children are frequently assaulted when they intervene to defend or protect their mothers (Hilberman and Munson 1977-78). 

 

Direct victim of physical or sexual abuse:

A child may be directly targeted by the perpetrator and suffer physical abuse, sexual abuse and/or serious neglect. It has been more than 2 decades since the overlap between domestic violence and child abuse was identified; men who abuse their partners are also likely to assault their children. The abuse of women who are mothers usually predates the infliction of child abuse (Stark & Flitcraft 1988). At least half of all abusive partners also batter their children (Pagelow 1989). The more severe the abuse of the mother, the worse the child abuse (Bowker, Arbitell, and McFerron 1988).

 

 

Daughters are more likely than sons to become victims (Dobash and Dobash 1979). Woman abuse is also the context for sexual abuse of female children. Where the mother is assaulted by the father, daughters are exposed to a risk of sexual abuse 6.51 times greater than girls in non-abusive families (Bowker, Arbitell and McFerron 1988). Where a male is the perpetrator of child abuse, one study demonstrated that there is a 70 per cent chance that any injury to the child will be severe and 80 per cent of child fatalities within the family are attributable to fathers or father surrogates (Bergman, Larsen and Mueller 1986). 

 
Violence occurring during or after separation including child abduction

There is clear evidence that abusers often increase their use of violence and abuse to stop their partners from leaving, or to force their partners and children to return home following separation. The abuser may attempt to take the children away from their mother to punish the woman for leaving and in some cases children have even been killed.  The risk to children during and following separation is substantial.  

 

Children and young people’s reactions to domestic violence

• Self-blame
• Helplessness
• Grief
• Ambivalence
• Fear
• Dread
• Terror 
• Worry
• Sadness
• Helplessness
• Shame
• Anger
• Numbness 

 

How domestic violence impacts on children

• Poor concentration
• Aggression, hyperactivity, disobedience
• Disturbed sleep, nightmares
• Withdrawal, low self-esteem
• Showing no emotion (‘spaced out’)
• Always on edge, wary
• Fantasise about normal home life
• Pessimism about the future
• Physical symptoms 

 

How domestic violence impacts on young people

• Depression
• Anxiety
• Withdrawal
• Abuse of parents
• Take on a caretaker role prematurely, trying to protect their mother
• Poorly developed communication skills
• Parent-child conflict
• Enter marriage or a relationship early to escape the family home
• Embarrassed about family
• Shame
• Poor self-image
• Eating disorders
• Low academic achievement
• Dropping out from school
• Low self-esteem
• Staying away from home
• Leaving home early
• Running away from home
• Feeling isolated from others
• Violent outbursts
• Participating in dangerous risk-taking behaviours to impress peers
• Alcohol and substance abuse
• Difficulty communicating feelings
• Nightmares
• Experiencing violence in their own dating relationships
• Physical injuries when they try to intervene to protect mother
• Suicide 

 

The extent each child will be impacted varies depending on:

• The length of time the child was exposed to the domestic violence;
• The age of the child when the exposure began;
• Whether the child has also experienced child abuse with the domestic violence;
• The presence of additional stressors such as poverty, community violence, parental substance abuse or mental illness and disruptions in family life;
• Whether the child has a secure attachment to a non-abusing parent or other significant adult;
• Whether the child has a supportive social network;
• Whether the child has strong cultural identity and ethnic pride;
• The child’s own positive coping skills and experience of success;
• Family access to health, education, housing, social services and employment. 

Often the behavioural and emotional impacts of domestic and family violence will improve when children and their mothers are safe, the violence is no longer occurring and they receive support and specialist counselling.

 

Apart from the emotional, physical, social and behavioural damage abuse creates for children, statistics show that domestic violence can also become a learned behaviour. This means that children may grow up to think it is okay to use violence to get what they want and as adults that it is okay for there to be violence in their relationships.

the article is published from Queensland Organisation

Domestic Violence Prevention Centre _ Gold Coast

http://www.domesticviolence.com.au/

Why Victoria Needs a Specialised Court to tackle Domestic Violence Family Court

I have been diagnosed with Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to 12 years of Physical & emotional trauma.

I attended Family Court in Melbourne yesterday only to sit in the courtroom and wait for my case to be heard at about 3.00pm.

While waiting I hear other cases. One woman, with no legal representation, up against the Department of Human Services lawyer, and Barrister, an Independent Childrens Lawyer and Barrister. She had no one with her and no support.

Her children had been taken into care because her ex boyfriend was taking ice. The mother has moved, no longer associated with the ex, and is trying to get her children home.

She has never had a drug or alcohol problem, but in order to get one sleepover a week with her kids, she has to do random drug and alcohol screening, and a psychiatrist report. She has never been diagnosed with a mental illness.

The there was the case of a muslim women who has not seen her children for seven years. Her ex husband took them to Lebanon seven years ago, and stayed there for two years, and his parents in Lebanon now have custody.

This womans only choice was to allow the ex husband to have his passport back, and him taken off the Federal Airport watch list so that he could return to Lebanon to collect children and apparently bring them back.

The mother was giving him the money for the childrens tickets. She was not allowed to go with him, at his request. The kids don’t have Australian passports……I dont think he’s coming back with those kids…

So after three more other domestic violence related cases, I was in tears. My PTSD had kicked in, and I was a bumbling mess.

I had only been before this Judge once, and she called me a Frequent Flyer in the family Court System! I informed her that I had been only once before her, she informed me that “Judges Talk”. She made jokes about my domestic violence, and inferred I am a liar.

I was there to report an urgent assault on my son (the forth in 2 years) by the father. The judge told me she would not entertain the thought. Even though under Section 67ZD of the Family Law Act 1975 this can be addressed once the court is made aware. I provided a letter from Human Services, she told me she didnt care. That if it was so important Human Services would attend court.

I left the court immediately.

We need a specialised court in Victoria that understands Domestic Violnce, and Court Support so that Domestic Violence suffers are not reabused by the system.

Family Court of Australia re abusing family Violence Victims

The Honorable Chief Justice Diana Bryant I believe is attempting to support victims of Family Violence through the Family Court system. The Family Violence Best Practice Principles approved and supported by the Family Court of Australia is to be commended. You can view this at the link below

http://www.familycourt.gov.au/wps/wcm/connect/fcoaweb/family-law-matters/family-violence/family-violence-best-practice-principles/family-violence-best-practice-principles

However the Chief Justice Diana Bryant has a long way to go before these principles are actually adhered to by all members of the Family Court, including Judges and staff.

I have been researching family violence in the Family Court system for approximately four years. I have been privy to some situations whereby as a bystander I have held concerns for the unethical behaviour of Judges and staff of the Family Court system.

I have attended over 700 sitting days in different Family Court rooms listening to, watching, and talking with people associated with proceedings regarding family law and more importantly family violence. This includes lawyers, barristers, court staff, security staff, victims, court support network staff, and other members of the public at family court proceedings.

Firstly my recommendations to the Family Violence Royal Commission regarding the Family Court System are as follows

1. No victim should be subjected to any type of ridicule or abuse by anyone. Family Court proceedings for any person involved is already stressful enough, then add the mixture of Family Violence and there is another fear and stress amongst parties.

This recommendation regards the following:

a. Protestors in the front area of the family court entrance. I know we are a country that has free speech, but to be subjected to certain groups yelling with a megaphone about their rights to a victim about to enter Family Court is incomprehensible.

I am going to give you an example. Please do not email me with abuse that I have used a mens group as an example here. I have met and spoken with male victims of Family Violence and they will also be featured in my blog. Violence does not have a gender and can occur across many types of blended families.

I was with a woman who was attending Family Court regarding Family Violence. At the front of the court entrance area a group of men protesting about men being victims of Family Violence started directing their speech toward the woman I was with. She had bruising to her face that was fading, and one comment that was made was “I bet he looks worse”. The woman in question became upset and that seemed to encourage an onslaught of further demeaning comments.

Fortunately I was able to get Family Court Security Staff to assist. No one has the right to behave like this. No one should be able to protest in this area ever.

b. Another time when the case of Mr Hird and the Essendon Football club recent incidents, the entrance walkway to the Family Court was full of reporters and cameras. I was that day with a woman who had just been granted an emergency relocation order due to her ex partner breaching the Family Violence Orders on 36 occasions, (including breaking into the former family home and beating the mother and children.) The Family Court had granted her permission to move to an unknown place. She had attended the Melbourne Family Court because of security fears at another Family Court Facility.

Upon coming to and from the Family Court of Melbourne she was filmed by camera crews awaiting Mr Hird and his entourage. So much for her personal security.

2. Security measures at Family Court should be effective enough to reduce the threat or fear of being subjected to any type of intolerable behaviour by any person(s) towards any other person(s). 

At the entrance to the front of the Family Court of Melbourne is inadequate with security, and deemed in my opinion quite dangerous.

a. Anyone who has had the privilege of standing in line to get through only one security check point at the Family Court in Melbourne may have been privy to some of the issues I have seen and heard. Firstly it can take up to 40 minutes some mornings. I have been present when victims and perpetrators have been within a confined distance. I have heard degrading comments made, intimidating hand gestures ( once a perpetrator kept slicing his throat with his hand and mouthing YOU’RE FUCKING DEAD) in front of me. I have heard barking (unaware who it was directed at), aggressive mannerisms, and basically stand offish filthy intimidating looks.

The entrance should be larger, contain cameras and more security. Perhaps even the model taken by the Melbourne Magistrates Court whereby solicitors, Barristers and Qcs or anyone attending the court regularly in this type of capacity have a different que in order to speed things up. I don’t know what the answer is. All I know is it is another area where a victim can be re victimized unnecessarily, or see others be victimized in front of them.

b.Upon leaving the Family Court, well that’s another matter and a whole other bag of security issues. I have seen people who have not gained the required results so to speak in the court room become upset and agitated and started being abusive towards others (including their legal representation). There should be a separate exit area. Imagine attending Family Court for the first time and hearing verbal abuse and viewing aggression from a person who is clearly upset regarding their predicament. Regardless of whether this is a once off behavioural issue, “out of character” so to speak, I have seen this time and time again. It is very concerning.

c. Security inside the Courtrooms is insufficient. I have been privy to many instances whereby I have been concerned for my own safety sitting in the gallery watching court room proceedings. There are no cameras. I have seen victims be intimidated by looks, hand gestures and remarks made by perpetrators turning their backs to where the actual microphones in the court rooms are. I have seen an entourage of family and friends in the gallery intimidating victims. I have also seen unfortunately members of the Legal profession behave in similar ways. Knowing exactly where the microphones are and turning their bodies to make snide comments to victims. I have actually been privy to a legal representative slide across the bar table written assistance to a perpetrator, and a law-book marked and open. If there were cameras in the court rooms there would be more accountability.

d. Security when no one is present in the courtroom. Cameras need to be installed. The recording of matters only occurs when the residing person is present. Therefore once they leave the court room the recording ceases. I have been privy to perpetrators taking this opportunity to intimidate victims. I have been informed by Family Court Clerk staff of their concerns for safety when they need to leave the courtroom after the Judge and having self represented litigants left by themselves. In one instance I was in the gallery when two self representing litigants involving family violence became embroiled in what can only be described as a Mexican standoff so to speak. For ten minutes I became concerned for my welfare as well as the victims.

3. When someone requests Security to be present in a courtroom it should be provided. The fear of being within a confined space with a perpetrator can trigger emotional and psychological fears. It also can be a way to intimidate the victim.

a. This would have to be one of the most highly discussed issues of concern with Victims of Family Violence. I have been privy to Justice MacMillan removing security from the courtroom because “she did not see the need for it as the defendant didn’t look like a threat to her” and she openly ridiculed the victim in the courtroom for suggesting that security was warranted. Prior to this hearing in front of Justice MacMillan the same victim had been intimidated, verbally berated, and another Judge had made sure that security was always present on numerous occasions.

b. Another case I was observing involving Justice Thornton whereby a Victim requested not to attend court physically and requested video link facilities was declined. The request was made by the victim due to recent breaches in their family Violence orders that were being investigated by Victoria Police. Justice Thornton made a comment in open court that “nothing will happen because others will be present”. Yet that did not assist the trauma the Victim had to face being within a confined space of a perpetrator who was under investigation for stalking and intimidation.

c. I was also privy to another incident regarding Justice Thornton that totally shocked me. An issue was raised in a case regarding Economic Abuse and Justice Thornton remarked “is that Family Violence?” I have kept in contact with the victim of these proceedings and have received transcripts of further proceedings regarding this case and Justice Thornton. Another comment made by Justice Thornton which shocked me was when the victim was being cross-examined on the fourth day, she was crying and asked the Independent children’s Barrister why she was doing this to her? Justice Thornton replied “well that’s what your barrister did (referring to the half day of cross-examination the perpetrator had)”. Fifteen minutes later, after continual sobbing, the victim, still in the witness-box asked for a 10 minute break to compose herself. Justice Thornton denied the victim not once, but four times these requested breaks. So a victim of 12 years of extensive family violence was in the witness-box for four days, being cross-examined by the perpetrator as well as the Independent Childrens Lawyer Barrister. Evidence was heard and admitted to by the perpetrator and by the expert psychiatrist admitting to family violence. (including the father assaulting the child).

What happened at the end of the trial? The victim lost parental responsibility and her children to the perpetrator. Just for an update. The child in question was assaulted again by the father, and he still has not been investigated regarding this issue. The mother is in the process of attempting to appeal the family court orders, but was recently informed by Justice Thornton that “she had no hope” and the application to suspend the current family court orders until the appeal was heard was denied.

d. I have viewed Justice Benjamin, who upon a request from a victim to have security present he rolled his eyes and said no. When the victim attempted to explain that they feared the perpetrator, he held his hand up in a stop like position and stated “no and that’s the end of that matter”.

e. Magistrate Turner from the Federal Circuit Court, I was privy to observing his approach to Family Violence. The victims solicitor requested security to be present (due to a previous incident at the Federal Circuit Court outside the courtroom regarding intimidation towards the solicitor and victim by a family member of the perpetrators) Magistrate Turner informed the solicitor that “she was a big girl” and “could handle a bit of criticism, as it went with the job” . Afterwards the victim informed me that the solicitor had been intimidated. She was approached and told that they knew where she lived, and the train times she caught to work was discussed. I asked the victim why the solicitor did not push the matter further, and I was informed because her role entailed being at the Family Court regularly, and she did not want to upset Magistrate Turner because she would be in front of him again. This solicitor who I have kept in touch with moved firms and relocated to a regional area to practice only recently.

f. Magistrate O’Dwyer from the Federal Circuit Court wins the wooden spoon for having no empathy whatsoever for Family Violence Victims. I have been present (when after an apparent back operation, and appeared to be in extreme pain and medicated) Magistrate O’Dwyer decided that one victim of family violence was, in his words was “stretching the truth”. In this instance the victim and the perpetrator were both self represented. The victim was requesting that she did not attend round table dispute services due to ongoing family violence. Magistrate O’Dwyer stated that the perpetrator in this instance “looked harmless” , “he was only small in stature” and that he “didn’t appear to be the type who would hurt anyone”. I kept in touch with the victim in this instance, and her family violence worker. Approximately three weeks after this court appearance the perpetrator was charged with assaulting the victim in a supermarket car park with an iron bar. Looks can be deceiving Magistrate O’Dwyer.

g. Magistrate O’Sullivan from the Dandenong Federal Circuit Court has been dubbed as the loose cannon of Magistrates. His demonstration of his understanding on Family Violence matters has been known to “change like the wind” as one legal counsel described him as. I have been privy to a number of sittings of Magistrate O’Sullivan in Dandenong, yet I was not present when he was involved in Family Violence cases so I cannot substantiate any previous information obtained from victims of family violence.

4. An expert witness has a duty to act independently and needs to be transparent and professionally accountable for their actions.

a. Family Consultants, like any expert witness (ie psychologist, psychiatrist etc) should be accountable for their report processes and this function should be outsourced from the actual Family Court Building in Melbourne.

Firstly independence is the key. Most Family Consultants are psychologists with professional liability insurance and are accountable like any other professional body. My biggest grievance is with the fact that the Family Court of Melbourne has enabled Family Consultants to be housed inside the court arena. This means that all sorts of families attending family court to see a family consultant is subjecting children and parents to seeing behaviors of others mentioned previously.

Secondly, a senior female Family Consultant, with only a Social Work background has been involved in proceedings time and time again that I believe is not benificial to anyone who has been a victim of Family Violence. One victim, who provided me with copies of her reports demonstrates her bias nature that should be addressed immediately. Another victim provided me with recordings of their interviews with this said consultant, and after reading the reports I was overwhelmed with the discrepancies and unprofessionalism of the Senior Family Consultant. Had she been in private practice a lawsuit would have incurred.

Thirdly, the relationship with this senior Family Consultant and other court staff is unhealthy and bias in nature. She sends other court staff into family court appearances literally as spies. How do I know this? I have been privy to watching some of these staff contacting the said consultant directly after hearings on their mobile phones. As I have spent four years in the court arena I have been privy to watching the same court staff attend matters that she is involved in. Coincidence? I think not. I have also been privy to Michelle Smith, who works on the same floor as the said consultant report back to the Senior Family Consultant in front of another victim. (who relayed the information to me). Another need for cameras in the courtroom.

Fourthly, then there is the relationship with this said Senior Female Family Consultant and a Senior Female Registrar that I have been privy to obtaining from Victims of Family violence evidence of their incestuous relationship. It is deplorable in this day and age that two such senior staff of the Family Court of Australia can wield such unauthorised power. They appear to be judge, jury and executioner. The amount of evidence that I have gathered regarding these two staff have become a focus of fear for the victims of family violence. They have no accountability and seem to be able to influence proceedings. This senior registrar informed a family violence victim not to press charges against her former partner regarding assault, and berated her by yelling and bullying her in front of her ex partner. The victim in this instance recorded the conversation, and upon hearing the conversation I was appalled by the behaviour in question. Another victim received written emails from the same senior registrar that I believe were abusive, insensitive and demeaning.

5. All Court Staff employees should have accountability for their behavior towards others.

In my time of being at the Family Court I have met a lot of genuinely helpful people who are employed at the Court in different types of roles. Yes I have heard the odd disgruntled complaint about one or two staff members, but overall the real complaints I have genuinely heard about have been regarding the senior family consultant and the senior registrar that can basically “make or break” a family violence case. This is a failure of the family court system and should be addressed immediately.

a. A proper complaints process needs to be enforced in a timely manner. I have seen copies of complaints made regarding these two by family violence victims, and eventually they get a rely usually 90 to 120 days after the complaint is made. The reply letters I have seen are basically the same, and possibly come in the standard letter format.

Conclusion

Chief Justice Diana Bryant of the Family Court of Australia has implemented some positive principles and guidelines surrounding family violence, and should be commended for her contribution into addressing this significant issue.

I just hope and pray that the recommendations I suggest to the Family Violence Royal Commssion assists in some further improvement in the implementation of these principles and guidelines.

National Plan to Reduce Violence against Women and their Children 2010–2022 by Aust Govt

Overview and definitions 

This paper summarises a recent Parliamentary Library publication on domestic violence. It provides an overview of the prevalence, risk factors and cost of domestic violence in Australia.

This paper uses the term domestic violence to refer to ‘acts of violence that occur between people who have, or have had, an intimate relationship’ which  is  the definition used in the Australian Government’s National Plan to Reduce Violence against Women and their Children 2010–2022. It may include physical, sexual, financial, emotional or psychological abuse. The ‘central element of domestic violence is an ongoing pattern of behaviour aimed at controlling a partner through fear’. Family violence is a broader term which may involve a variety of kinship and marital arrangements. It is often used in the context of, though not restricted to, violence experienced in Indigenous communities.

Prevalence

In 2013 the World Health Organization found that violence against women is a violation of human rights that affects more than one third of all women, and ‘a global public health problem of epidemic proportions’.

Australia’s National Research Organisation for Women’s Safety (ANROWS) notes that, in Australia, domestic violence is the most prevalent form of violence experienced by women, and a woman is more likely to be assaulted in her home by a male partner than anywhere or anyone else.

Information on the prevalence of domestic violence in Australia is derived from surveys including the Australian Bureau of Statistics (ABS) Personal Safety Survey (PSS) 2012 and 2005, the Australian elements of the 2004 International Violence Against Women Survey (IVAWS), and the 1996 Women’s Safety Australia.

Although a stronger evidence base is required as the full extent of domestic violence remains unknown, it is known that themajority of those who experience domestic violence are women, and such violence affects members of all cultures, ages and socio-economic groups. ANROWS has summarised the results of the 2012 PSS, highlighting that, since the age of 15:

• 1 in 6 Australian women had experienced physical or sexual violence from a current or former partner
• 1 in 19 Australian men had experienced physical or sexual violence from a current or former partner
• 1 in 4 Australian women had experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner
• 1 in 7 Australian men had experienced emotional abuse by a current or former partner.

There are a range of challenges involved in collecting and analysing data on domestic violence. The 2012 PSS defined violence as at least one incident involving the occurrence, attempt or threat of either physical or sexual assault, so these figures fail to reflect different patterns and experiences of violence, including duration, scale and severity. Women are over-represented in intimate partner homicides, and much more likely to experience sexual assault than men. Of all Australian women, 15 per cent had been sexually assaulted by a person they knew. One in 22 Australian men had experienced sexual violence, by a person known or unknown to them.

Perpetration of violence is also gendered, and ANROWS states that it is more likely for a person to experience violence from a male rather than a female perpetrator.  More than three times as many people over the age of 15 were found to have experienced violence from a male than a female.

Risk factors and at-risk groups

Key research findings demonstrate that:

• Gender inequality is a key determinant of violence against women.
• Alcohol and drug use can lead to higher levels of aggression by perpetrators. A study found that between 2000 and 2006 44 per cent of all intimate partner homicides, and 87 per cent of Indigenous intimate partner homicides, were alcohol related.
• Past experience of violent victimisation can predict future victimisation. IVAWS found that women who experienced abuse during childhood are one and a half times more likely to experience violence in adulthood than those who did not. People who experienced childhood sexual abuse were found to be three times more likely to experience partner violence than those who had not.
• Pregnancy may intensify the risk of domestic violence. A quarter of women who experienced partner violence since the age of 15 reported experiencing domestic violence for the first time from a previous partner while pregnant.
• Separated women are more likely to experience violence than married women, and it is most common for women to experience violence from a male ex-partner. It may be that violence follows separation, or the decision to separate is due to violence.International studies indicate that leaving a violent partner may increase the risk of more severe, or even fatal, violence.
• Young women are more likely to have recently experienced violence than older women. Researchers suggest that inexperience, age differences in relationships, and lack of access to services exacerbate younger women’s vulnerability to violence. Young men are more likely to hold pro-violence attitudes, and research indicates that pro-violence attitudes decrease with age.
• Indigenous women and their children are more likely to experience violence than any other section of society. When compared to non-Indigenous women, Indigenous women are five times more likely to be homicide victims. Rates of domestic assaultreported to police are also more than six times higher for Indigenous women.
• Rural and remote areas have a higher reported incidence of domestic violence than metropolitan settings. Those who have experienced domestic violence may lack access to services, transport and telecommunications, and suffer a lack of anonymity.
• Women with disabilities are vulnerable to violence due to social and cultural disadvantage, and a greater dependence on other people for care, including, in some situations, the perpetrator of violence. Women and girls with disabilities may be twice as likely to experience violence as those without disabilities. Adults with intellectual or psychiatric disabilities are particularly at risk of sexual assault.
• Women from culturally and linguistically diverse (CALD) backgrounds may lack access to culturally appropriate services, leading to lower rates of reporting. Drawing conclusions regarding domestic violence in selected CALD communities is difficult as research has produced mixed findings. Cultural values can increase the complexities normally involved in domestic violence, andimmigration may cause social and cultural dislocation, intensifying domestic violence.
• Financial stress may cause, or be exacerbated by, domestic violence. While domestic violence cuts across social and economic boundaries, further research is needed to adequately analyse the relationship between domestic violence, education, employment status and income. While IVAWS found that experiences of current intimate partner violence during the previous 12 months varied little according to education, status or household income, ABS data suggests that women whose main income is from government support are at increased risk of violence from a previous partner.
• Same-sex intimate relationships may also involve domestic violence, and approximately 2 per cent of intimate partner homicides in Australia involved partners from same-sex relationships since 1989–90. Males were also overrepresented as perpetrators in same-sex intimate partner homicides.

Attitudes, reporting and policing

Attitudes towards domestic violence can influence perpetration and reporting behaviours. People with low support for gender equality are more likely to hold violence-supportive attitudes.

Most women do not report experiences of violence to police, and are less likely to report when the perpetrator is their current partner. Of women who contacted police about their most recently violent previous partner, half had a restraining order issued, but 58 per cent of those experienced further violence.

The Australian police and criminal justice systems are commonly criticised for not treating domestic violence seriously enough. Concerns have been commonly expressed about a lack of survivor support, failures to fully investigate incidents, and a lack of consistent policing (both within and across jurisdictions). The Australasian Policing Strategy for Preventing and Reducing Family Violence was launched in 2008 to coordinate police policies, practices and information-sharing. There has also been a shift towards broader collaboration with partner agencies to provide referrals and support.

Social and economic costs

• Homicide: 61 per cent of Australian homicides between July 2008 and July 2010 occurred in a residential location, and domestic homicides accounted for just over half of these incidents.
• Health: domestic violence can have severe and enduring effects on physical and mental health. Using burden of disease methodology, domestic violence was found to be the leading risk factor contributing to death, disability and illness in Victorian women aged 15 to 44 years.
• Children and adolescents living with domestic and family violence are at increased risk of experiencing emotional, physical and sexual abuse. Their social, behavioural, cognitive and emotional development may also be affected, as well as education and employment outcomes. Of people aged 12 to 20 years, 23 per cent had witnessed violence against their mother or step-mother, while 42 per cent of Indigenous young people had witnessed violence against their mother or step-mother.
• Economic: in 2009 it was estimated that violence against women and their children, including both domestic and non-domestic violence, cost the Australian economy $13.6 billion. Domestic violence also creates complex economic issues for women and their children, and many experience financial risk or poverty as a result. Domestic violence affects women’s financial security in key areas of life: debts, bills and banking, accommodation, legal issues, health, transport, migration, employment, social security and child support. Women nominated finding safe, affordable and appropriate accommodation post-separation as their biggest concern in a study of economic wellbeing and domestic violence.
• Homelessness: domestic violence is a leading cause of homelessness, accounting for 32 per cent of all clients receiving assistance from specialist homelessness services in 2011–12. Women affected by domestic violence are more likely to cycle in and out of homelessness compared to the broader homeless population. The 2012 PSS found 37 per cent of women who experienced current partner violence had temporarily separated during the relationship and of these, 52 per cent had moved away from home. Violence also contributes to youth homelessness—a study found one third of young homeless people in Melbourne left home due to family violence.
• Employment: some researchers argue that approaches to domestic violence should consider factors including employment, as paid work can be pivotal in creating financial security. Women experiencing domestic violence are often disadvantaged in the labour market, and are more likely to have a disrupted work history. Some private sector organisations now offer domestic violence leave, though these provisions have not been evaluated.

Government responses

The Commonwealth Government is responsible for over-arching government programs designed to reduce domestic violence nationally, though most programs and services aimed at preventing domestic violence and supporting survivors are administered through state and territory community services, health and law enforcement agencies.

Coalition and Labor governments have nominated reducing violence against women and domestic violence as a priority for many years. The National Plan to Reduce Violence against Women and their Children 2010–2022 (National Plan) was endorsed by the Council of Australian Governments in 2009. The National Plan set a framework for social change, coordination across levels of government and integrated responses. The National Plan is to be implemented through a series of four three‐year Action Plans over 12 years.

The first of these Action Plans is viewed as making significant progress, and most community feedback has been very positive. During a consultative process in early 2014, many argued that there had not been enough involvement of community groups, particularly those from Indigenous and culturally diverse backgrounds, and that progress had been too slow. The Second Action Plan, released in June 2014, acknowledges these concerns.  

The National Plan is administered under the ‘National Initiatives’ component of Program 2.1 Family and Communities, which was allocated $28.7 million in the 2014–15 Budget. However, the Abbott Government did not produce a 2014–15 women’s Budget statement, and therefore violence against women funding breakdowns are not available.

If you or someone you know is impacted by sexual assault or family violence, visit ANROWS Get Support website or call 1800 RESPECT (1800 737 732), the 24 hour, National Sexual Assault, Family & Domestic Violence Counselling Line. In an emergency, call 000.

© Commonwealth of Australia

Walking on eggshells Emotional Abuse and Domestic Violence

Anger and abuse in relationships begin with blame: “I feel bad, and it’s your fault.”

Even when they recognize the wrongness of their behavior, resentful, angry, or emotionally abusive people are likely to blame it on their partners: “You push my buttons,” or, “I might have overreacted, but I’m human, and look what you did!” Angry and abusive people feel likevictims, which justifies in their mindsvictimizing others.

Angry and abusive partners tend to be anxious by temperament. From the time they were children, they’ve had a sense of dread that things will go badly and that they will fail to cope. They try to control their environment to avoid feelings of failure and inadequacy. The strategy of trying to control others fails to satisfy them for the simple reason that the primary cause of their anxiety is within them. It springs from one of two sources—a heavy dread of failure, or fear of harm, isolation, and deprivation.

 

The Silent Abuser

Not all emotional abuse involves shouting or criticism. More common forms are “disengaging” (a distracted or preoccupied partner) or “stonewalling” (a partner who refuses to accept anyone else’s perspective).  

Partners who stonewall may not overtly put anyone down. Nevertheless, they punishby refusing even to think about their partners’ perspectives. If they listen at all, they do so dismissively or impatiently.

Disengaging partners say, “Do whatever you want, just leave me alone.” They’re often workaholics, couch potatoes, flirts, or obsessive about something. They try to deal with their sense of inadequacy about relationships by simply not trying—since no attempt means no failure.

Both stonewalling and disengaging tactics can make you feel:

• Unseen and unheard;
• Unattractive;
• Like you don’t count;
• Like a single parent.

Harmful Adaptations to Anger and Abuse: Walking on Eggshells

The most insidious aspect of living with an angry or abusive partner is not the obvious—nervous reactions to shouting, name-calling, criticism or other demeaning behavior. It’s the adaptations you make to try to prevent those episodes. You walk on eggshells to keep the peace, or a semblance of connection.

Women can be especially vulnerable to the negative effects of walking on eggshells due to their greater tendency to be vulnerable to anxiety. Many may engage in constant self-editing and self-criticism to keep from “pushing his buttons.” Emotionally abused women may second-guess themselves so much that they feel as though they have lost themselves in a hole. Emotionally abused men tend to isolate more and more, losing themselves in work or hobbies—anything but family interactions.

No One Escapes the Effects of Abuse

Everyone in a walking-on-eggshells family loses some degree of dignity and autonomy. We know that no less than half the members of such families, including children, will suffer from clinical anxiety and/or depression. (“Clinical” meaning that the symptoms interfere with normal functioning. They can’t sleep, can’t concentrate, can’t work as efficiently, and can’t enjoy themselves without drinking.) Most of the adults lack genuine self-esteem(based on realistic self-appraisals), and the children rarely feel as good about themselves as other kids.

When it comes to more severe forms of destructiveness, purely emotional abuse is usually more psychologically harmful than physical abuse. There are a couple of reasons for this: Even in the most violent families, incidents tend to be cyclical. Early in the abuse cycle, a violent outburst may be followed by a “honeymoon period” of remorse, attention, affection, and generosity—but not genuine compassion. (The honeymoon stage eventually ends, as the victim begins to say, “Never mind the flowers, just stop hitting me!”) Emotional abuse, on the other hand, tends to happen every day—the effects are more harmful because they’re more frequent.

The other factor that makes emotional abuse so devastating is the greater likelihood that victims will blame themselves. When someone hits you, it’s easy to see that he or she is the problem. But when the abuse is subtle—saying or implying that you’re ugly, a bad parent, stupid, incompetent, not worth attention, or that no one could love you—you are more likely to think it’s your problem.

Important questions to ask of yourself:

• Do I like myself?
• Am I able to realize my potential?
• Does everyone I care about feel safe?
• Do my children like themselves?
• Are they able to realize their fullest potential?
• Do they feel safe?

Recovery from walking on eggshells requires removing focus from the repair of your relationship, or your partner, and placing it squarely on your personal healing. The good news is that the most powerful form of healing comes from within you. You can draw on your inner resources by reintegrating your deepest values into your everyday sense of self. This will make you feel more valuable, confident, and powerful, regardless of what your partner does. And it will give you the strength to seek a relationship in which you are valued and respected.

This is an interesting article I found in Pyschology Today about Anger & abuse & walking on eggshells.